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RO-DBT Homework Assignment - Assigned March 25, 2026 | Due April 11, 2026

This assignment focuses on practicing kindness as your first response, especially in situations where your default would be criticism, judgment, or correction.

Assignment: Radical Openness Worksheet 17.B - Kindness First and Foremost

Complete Worksheet 17.B over the next week by catching yourself before you criticize, correct, or judge, and choosing to lead with kindness instead.

What This Worksheet Guides You Through:

• Identifying situations where your automatic response is criticism, correction, or judgment

• Catching yourself before the critical comment comes out

• Practicing kindness as your first response instead of your last resort

• Noticing the internal resistance or discomfort when you choose kindness over criticism

• Observing how others respond when you lead with kindness

The Purpose of This Practice:

Overcontrol's first impulse is often evaluation and correction. Someone makes a mistake and your immediate response is to point it out. Someone shares something and you notice the flaw. Someone is struggling and you see what they're doing wrong. Your corrections might be accurate, but leading with criticism creates distance, defensiveness, and disconnection.

Kindness first and foremost means you pause before the critical comment, the correction, the judgment, or the helpful suggestion, and you ask: "Is this the moment for that? Or is this the moment for kindness?" Sometimes the answer is genuinely that correction is needed. But far more often than overcontrol realizes, kindness is what actually serves the relationship and the situation.

Lynch's research shows that people with overcontrol undervalue kindness and overvalue being right or helpful. You think pointing out the problem IS being helpful. But when kindness is absent, your "help" lands as criticism, your "honesty" lands as harshness, and your "standards" land as judgment. The content might be accurate, but the delivery creates the opposite of what you want.

Kindness first doesn't mean you never give feedback or never address problems. It means you start with warmth, understanding, or compassion before you move to correction or critique. It means you recognize that people need to feel safe with you before they can hear hard truths from you.

This practice asks you to notice your critical impulse and consciously choose differently, even when criticism feels justified or helpful.

Practice Guidelines:

• Notice at least 5 to 7 moments this week where your first impulse is criticism, correction, or judgment

• Pause before you speak and ask: "What would kindness look like right now?"

• Practice kindness first: warmth, understanding, appreciation, compassion, gentleness

• Notice the resistance or discomfort that comes up when you choose kindness over being right

• Observe how the other person responds to kindness versus how they typically respond to criticism

• Track whether leading with kindness makes people more or less receptive to feedback later

• Notice situations where kindness alone was sufficient and correction wasn't actually needed

• Pay attention to your internal experience: does choosing kindness feel weak, permissive, or inauthentic?

Common Indirect Communication Patterns:

• Something you're struggling with that you usually hide

• A vulnerable emotion you're experiencing

• A need or want you typically keep to yourself

• A fear or insecurity you don't usually admit

• A mistake or imperfection you'd normally conceal

• Something you're uncertain about (when you usually project confidence)

• An authentic reaction (when you'd normally stay composed)

What Kindness First Looks Like:

Instead of immediately pointing out the mistake:
"That must have been frustrating" before "Here's what you should have done"

Instead of correcting their story:
"I can see why you'd see it that way" before "Actually, that's not quite right"

Instead of jumping to problem-solving:

"That sounds really hard" before "Have you tried..."

Instead of highlighting the flaw:
"I appreciate you trying this" before "Next time you should..."

Instead of harsh honesty:
"I can tell this matters to you" before "I think you're making a mistake"

Situations to Watch For:

• When someone makes a mistake you notice

• When someone is struggling with something you find easy

• When someone makes a choice you wouldn't make

• When someone shares an accomplishment that has flaws

• When someone asks for your opinion on something they're excited about

• When someone is doing something inefficiently

• When someone doesn't follow your advice

Looking forward to April 1. This practice challenges a core overcontrol belief that criticism is helpful and kindness is optional. Excited to hear what you discover when you make kindness your first response instead of your afterthought.